Drinks at the Met rooftop in Preen and Zac Posen. Illustration by Lacee Swan.
Because most cities don’t have beaches and Nelly coined, “Penthouse, rooftop, birds I’m feeding.” The nouveau riche flock to the tops of buildings. For some reason, like being seated royally on a high, high throne, elevation is an index of social class. Just look down at those looking up in admiration, do a little twirl and curtsy, amiright?
Toronto has certainly seen its own rooftop resurgence. In fact, I’m writing this post from my own rooftop right now. Cheeky.
The Thompson Hotel, Ultra-cum-Cube, Panorama, The Trump, The Park Hyatt, The Drake Sky Yard, Remy’s, Vivoli and The CN Tower Skywalk – what? It counts in my books!
First thing’s first, though. Just cause we’re moving above sea level doesn’t mean the same land rules apply up here. I mean, have you ever seen someone try to get away with spending six dollars on a beer at a rooftop bar? Um, hello, everything costs more as the altitude changes. The higher up you go, well, you know the drill. So pack those hundos if you want to survive the 60-storey luxury mark-up.
Here are the unofficial Eurotrash rules to rooftop etiquette, inspired by people who are evidently better than you:
1. No heels.
What? OMG. STFU. Oh, I’m sorry, did you actually dress up for this shit? Um, no. You can’t expect anyone to take you seriously in heels on a rooftop. You’re high enough, you don’t need that extra half an inch to make a statement. Wear flats. You’ll look like you didn’t stop to take notice of your alpine surroundings. In fact, you could be the 28 million dollar mystery penthouse buyer. Fucking slippers, that’s what you wear when you’re feeling at-home-and-all-cozy-shit.
2. No ‘by-the-glass’ orders.
You buy the bottle (but not in that ‘poppin-bottles-with-the-slizzer’ kind of way. Also, wtf is a slizzer?). It’s actually easier to pour from your own bottle at those heights. Try it. Don’t, however, Maxwell House it and drink ’til the last drop. One always leaves a third of the bottle behind for good luck. It’s a common superstition among the upper echelon. #NowYouKnow.
3. Binoculars, yes.
What? How the heck are you supposed to people watch without them! By the end of the night, you will be GOD – or at least know who’s going home with who.
4. Faceshields (aka, sunglasses).
Under no circumstance do you show another human being your pupils while fellating the clouds.
5. Never order food. (and never chase after your napkin)
There are many factors that go into ingesting pieces of nutrition in a social setting. All of those factors increase in difficulty when on a rooftop. Wind, the number one killer, will make sure every bite is seasoned with a few strands of hair – and that’s only the beginning.
6. Bring your bathing suit. Yeah, Sarah Nicole Prickett, I’m talking to you.
7. Order champagne
Because that’s what folks do on rooftops! If there was ever a time to drink bubbles, you might as well do it when you’ve left your wallet on earth. NB: boys are more inclined to buy ladies drinks on rooftops than they are on ground level.
8. Stay for the sunset
It is in bad taste to leave before the sun does. But remember, faceshields remain firmly planted on your face once darkness envelopes your inhibitions and hopefully, your date.
9. Leave your kids at home (unless they are swag).
Decked-out kids are the new, must-have accessory. Dress a baby up in Givenchy and tell me the kid’s not the life of the party!
10. Wear your best purse.
Where heels are not invited, your Gucci bag is on the guest list. Please, no fakes. Everyone knows it’s not that easy to buy Celine in Toronto.