Alyssa Miller in Vogue Latin America, June 2012.
A product of the only type of narcissism social media can afford, our body parts killer was caught yesterday while looking at pictures of himself online in an internet cafe in Berlin. Narcissism 2.0 – and we are only just now beginning to see the not-so-pretty side of things. Usually, this genus of vanity results in kissy-kissy bbm poses that scream,”look at me!”, and not an international hunt for red October, or in this case, a distant relative of the Magnotta wine family stationed here in Vaughan.
I preface this blog post with an adieu to our body parts killer who has the eyes of the saddest man in the world. A criminal, no less. Crazy, of course. But doesn’t he just look so sad?
What my blog post is really about is body parts, while they are still attached. Let’s get physical, physical. My ultimate worst worst moment is when a girl walks by and she has my definition of the perfect body. Much like our Alyssa in that Vogue shoot. Long torso, broad shoulders, plump butt, cleavage (not necessarily big boobs, but cleavage), long legs, sexy ankles and manicured toes. Out of all those things I have maybe 2 or 3. Long legs, cleavage and a plump butt when I work out, but my ass is usually offset by my muffin tops – notice how those didn’t make the list?
My torso is short, I know because tops always crinkle up around my hips no matter how TALL I STAND. My shoulders might as well belong to a mouse. I love seeing a racerback tank top on a girl with broad shoulders, and that nice definition between the neck and deltoids. Ugh, bitches. And if you didn’t know from avidly reading my blog, I got the worst of the lot – cankles. I can’t wear flat shoes like Toms because I look like I’ve got some sort of circulation problem around my ankles and need to be prescribed water pills like my grandmother.
And my feet? I have my mom to thank for those. Ugly, squished, and I’m pretty sure my pinky toes are assuming the hammer position.
The problem is, though I’ve learned to live with my ‘defects’, if I woke up tomorrow with a 3-foot torso I’d find something else about my body to harp on. As women, we are never completely happy with our bodies. Sure, we may be proud of our best features, which I think is totally great. If you got it, flaunt it! But we never lose sight of those not-so-great features.
I bet even supermodels like Ruby Aldridge and Joan Smalls have their own least favourite body parts, as hard as that is to imagine. I could see Joan Smalls waking up in the morning and looking at her menacing left earlobe, bursting into tears. Ok, maybe.
Here’s what I propose. Make a list of your good attributes and your not-so-good ones. Now, out of the ugly list pick one thing you can change. Perhaps it’s weight, or posture, or dry skin, even. And try to do something about it. Make a conscious effort to change the body parts that are malleable. And for the ones that aren’t, like that goddamn menacing left earlobe, well you could always pull a Magnotta and press it into a fine chardonnay.
For the things you already LOVE about your body, highlight them! Wear clothes that flatter all your best curves and angles. If you’ve got a long torso, wear those nice long t-shirts with low rise jeans. If you’ve got broad shoulders, embrace the racerback! I’ll kill you for it, bien sur, but I’m currently doing push ups as I write this post because my shoulders are my ‘changeable’ body part.
And when they finally come out with corrective cankle surgery let the espadrilles roll!